It’s been almost one week to the day that we were told that the young embryo we already love and have been so excited about no longer had a heart beat at 10 weeks of gestation.
This is my second miscarriage since last September. We made it 4 weeks farther with this pregnancy than we had with the one in September. The loss with this one is much harder as it was diagnosed as a missed abortion as my body had yet to shed the products of conception. My first miscarriage was very sudden and traumatizing for that reason. I felt as if my bladder was full and went to use the restroom when a sudden flush of fluid, blood and anything else exited my body.
The different levels of miscarriage are described as:
- Complete abortion: All of the products of conception exit the body
- Incomplete abortion: Only some of the products of conception exit the body
- Inevitable abortion: The symptoms cannot be stopped, and a miscarriage will happen
- Infected (septic) abortion: The lining of the womb, or uterus, and any remaining products of conception become infected
- Missed abortion: The pregnancy is lost and the products of conception do not exit the body
This week I have been desperately looking for someone to be mad at. How dare the universe do this to me a second time. And honestly, screw society for making it such a taboo subject. 1 in every 4 conceptions ends in miscarriage. Why is it that there is no ceremony or vigil that you can order up as fast as a funeral? After all, this is a death. A death of a child, our dreams for our family and for this child.
I have been reading every blog and chat board I can get my hands on lately about miscarriage, the process and what others are doing. There is a large part of me that feels my care provider failed me on this one. With one miscarriage under my belt, why wasn’t I given the opportunity to check my blood work at 4 weeks? Granted, when my blood work was checked at 8 weeks, my beta HCG and thyroid levels were pristine! Which gave us that much more hope about this last pregnancy. I was more concerned with my progesterone levels and those weren’t tested for… and shame on me, I thought that it was a normal test to run at 8 weeks of pregnancy. Lesson learned.
***Progesterone levels indicate the thickness of your uterus lining, which is essential for the embryo to implant and stay viable.
In the end, I wish that the pregnancy books would talk about the risk of miscarriage in more detail. And by detail I mean explain EXACTLY what the body will go through to remove the products of conception, provide more statistics, and maybe a section on how real mothers dealt with the loss with their partner. As selfish as I want to be about this loss because I am still experiencing the physical loss of the embryo, it has not brought my husband and I closer. As we both deal with this in our own way we are drifting apart and trying to accept it.
My first loss was “easier” because we never were able to see the baby. This time we have one ultrasound picture of our sweet baby. Although he is still a large glob of cells, he will forever live as our glob of cells. The picture is actually up in my office and I can see it from where I am typing. It gives me hope and the ability to try again for a sibling for our son. We can make it farther this time and hopefully a year from this post I can write about the exciting birth of our child and the dreams that we have for him/her.
For those of you who may be suffering from a past or present miscarriage this is my section for you:
- The physical loss is painful. The cramps are equivalent to horrible gas cramps.
- You will pass blood clots, tissue, frank (bright red) blood, the embryo, placenta, fluid and uterus lining. None of this should be put as a simple procedure. It is time-consuming. My last event lasted for 12 hours and the bleeding is slowly diminishing over a week-long period.
- You will experience hot flashes and cold sweats as your body regulates the hormones.
- Along with the ups and downs of your hormones levels will be the ups and downs of your moods. This is to include anger, frustration, relief, crying, pure sadness, depression, etc. If any of these symptoms become too much to handle, contact your physician.
- If may help to name your loss(es), hold a candle vigil, release balloons, plant a tree/flowers to provide yourself with closure. Whatever you are comfortable with, just do it.
- TALK TO ANYONE WHO WILL LISTEN. You are not alone in this. 1 of 4 CONCEPTIONS end in miscarriage. If your friends and family aren’t able to provide you with the ear that you need or are too unsure of what to say, start writing in blogs/chat rooms or find professional help. Many churches provide free counseling and may be able to assist you in a vigil or ceremony.
- Tell your partner what your feelings are as best you can. Talk to each other about how you are feeling about the loss and, when you are ready, discuss how you will move forward and if adding to your family is something that you are willing to try again. Do not be alarmed if one of you is not ready to try again at the same time the other one is. This is an emotional roller coaster for all involved and a family is a big commitment. Couple’s counseling may be a safe place to talk about emotions and plans for the future.
With as cliché as it sounds, look forward. Everything happens for a reason and eventually that reason will show itself.